It is a good thing to feign trust

Faking orgasm: white lie or breach of trust?

Meg Ryan has perfected the pretend orgasm, which she demonstrated to us in “Harry and Sally” for all time: “Aaaah, aaaaaaaah, aaaaaaaaaaaaaah !!!” Any questions? “Honey, was that real?” Anyone who seriously asks about a (real or faked) fulminant climax will rightly get one on their fingers. No, of course, Faking an orgasm is my favorite discipline. I played something for you and I now love to admit it ... And anyone who thinks that only women are masters and men can't do that is wrong. Seriously, what woman or man is looking for evidence of a real orgasm in the heat of the moment? Lubricants, condoms, towels and alcohol are real evidence killers anyway. So faking an orgasm is unisexual. The only question that arises is why we use our acting skills so carefully here, of all places. And are we dealing with a white lie or a serious breach of trust?

Fake orgasm because openness is so difficult

As well ... as. But let's first clarify why so many fake an orgasm in the first place. And then there is a slight difference between men and women. The usual sequence of sex, which is almost cemented by erotic films, goes as follows: foreplay (sometimes more, sometimes less pronounced), penetration (maybe in different positions), orgasm (much more often on the man's side), possibly a little cuddling. Far too often it does not come into play here. Which doesn't mean she didn't like it. According to the Viennese doctor and sex therapist Dr. Elia Bragagna, half of the women are satisfied even without a climax. Nonetheless, it seems Orgasm as a yardstick for good sex to act. If she doesn't come, he might think he wasn't that good or she might have a problem. She wants to avoid both and therefore faking an orgasm is a common practice. She liked it and she would like to come, but it doesn't work like that or not yet. And not under pressure anyway. You could of course talk about it. Maybe not right away, but there would be a good time. That would also be the ideal solution. What does she want differently, what can he do? But talking is not that easy. The question also arises whether he sees this as criticism or as motivation. So she is silent and pretends to be. She wants to make him feel like he's a really good lover.

He's not a machine either. Contrary to popular belief men can't always come either. Fatigue, cinema in the head with everyday stress, the stamina is decreasing, loss of pleasure in the middle of the wildest coitus - how can you explain that to your partner? Because we women tend to take something like that personally. Don't feel like it anymore? Did I do something wrong? Don't you find me attractive anymore ??? Of course there are exceptions. But just to avoid the possibility of such a conversation, people prefer to pretend. It's much less stressful. And he doesn't want to hurt her at all. But he doesn't want to be seen as a failure either. And nothing works under pressure here either.

Faking an orgasm doesn't just fool the other

If we're in a one night stand, it might not matter that much. And if we only do it once in a while, it certainly won't harm anyone. It becomes problematic when the white lie becomes a permanent condition. Because the longer we keep something secret, the more difficult it becomes to talk about things. And nobody wants to seriously hurt the other. But I've talked to women who have been faking their steady partner orgasm for years. Over and over again. For the partner, this can actually represent a serious breach of trust. After all, he was lied to for years. THAT feeds self-doubt! And THAT hurts!

And what does faking orgasm do to someone who fails to tell the truth? At some point the desire fades. Sex again? Do I have to play something again that I don't like at all? This causes stress and discomfort in the long run. After all There are also needs dormant that are not lived out. Maybe she wishes he'd spend a lot longer on her breasts or clitoris. Maybe they'd get intense French kisses going. Or just another position. But she doesn't dare to say that. Maybe he doesn't like her jumping in the shower right after sex and that turns him off so he can't cum.

Courage to be open stimulates lust

It takes courage to reveal yourself and to address the topic of faking orgasm. No question. And maybe the other person doesn't like what we want either. But what he or she thinks is great is that we stick to our wishes. And then really go crazy. And often it's not about unusual practices at all. Ain't it much better to talk about our wishes and to live them out with happinessthan never saying anything and bobbing around in the lower midfield? Talking about one another also creates a bond. We know enough from everyday life that the other cannot read minds. Only during sex, that's supposed to work. “He must know what I want. My previous friend knew that too. “Yes, that may be true. But if the newcomer doesn't know, she just has to tell or show him differently. You can read how to do this here: “Talking about sex”.

Anja Drews - sexologist for ORION