Is it wrong to fall in love

RANDOM RANDOM Why we always fall in love with the wrong person

From the eye relief to the color of clothing, science knows exactly how to choose our partners. But why we fall in love with a very specific person remains a mystery. Let's enjoy it! But what if we always really fall in love with the wrong people?

When was the last time you were in love? With patchwork in your stomach, like you've just sniffed a powder can of cocaine. My girlfriend only again yesterday, in short. "I just had a magical moment," she whistles to me. Leave your wand stuck, I think to myself. Barbara is very talented at really falling in love and most of the time it hits the wrong person.

Fate, she says, that the man with whom she bent over the coffee machine cleaner tablets together first became her lover and then the guy who wanted to leave his wife for her almost seven times. Fate? monster, I would call the cowardly cheater. And Andrin was not the last of his kind, whom Barbara could never have to herself. Roman and Stefan also made Barbara their concubine.

You can't plan to fall in love, it will happen. It just did zoom. It's the kind of thing you write songs about. But is it really that simple? What does it take to do this?

Love is blind: I see what you don't see

“Not very much, it turns out,” writes anxiety and phobia specialist Dr. Fredric Neumann on his blog “Fighting Fear” (“What Does It Take to Fall in Love”). In conversations with patients, he tried to find out whether there are understandable reasons for falling in love. A patient fell in love with a woman he knew nothing of more than a photograph in a science magazine. By covering up various areas of the photo, Neumann and the patient tried to reveal what fascinated him so much about this woman. The patient finally found that the woman in the picture had particularly beautiful eyes. She wore protective glasses.

Neumann treats people with anxiety disorders. How could these sick people explain to us how we normal people fall in love? Maybe because being in love is in itself a state of exception. Plato is said to have already said that love is a serious mental illness. 2000 years later, the anthropologist Helen Fisher [1] can prove Plato's conjecture with brain research: "Love is one of the most addictive substances that we know". Studies show that when we fall in love, the exact same processes happen as when we are addicted. Cocaine, like the loved one, ensures that our reward center in the brain releases the happiness hormone dopamine. And especially a lot of it. It is estimated that it is about ten times as much as if we eat a piece of chocolate.

But this excessive stimulation comes at a price. Our brains subordinate all other activities to the acquisition of new drugs, explains Fisher. «Romantic love is an obsession. She takes possession of you. You lose track of yourself. You can't stop thinking about another person. Someone is camping in your head. "

The 12-point program for anonymous love addicts

The smaller the hope, the hotter the love. The love addiction is only worse when we are rejected, says Helen Fisher. Since the reward center in the brain is responsible for what we want and drives us to do everything for it, this region becomes even more active when love is withdrawn. Only when we get what we want do we get fed up with it. This is usually the moment when he wants to hang his posters in her living room and she decides to love him or to chase the devil. Because love and being in love are not the same in life as in our head. Another drug is responsible for love: the bonding hormone oxytocin.

"This is the parking lot where we talked about our favorite coffee brands". «Put the song away. We danced in the hotel room in Barcelona. " "Don't you think this cactus looks like Stefan?" Sometimes she smiles, sometimes she cries. But more and more often I think: Barbara, please put on another record. But now I hope there would be some kind of 12-point program for anonymous love addicts. In fact, recommends Helen Fisher for lovesickness Total withdrawal. One should ban everything from life that reminds one of the former love. No pictures, no messages and never call!

But if we unconsciously fall in love, how can we consciously fall out of love? Can you learn to choose the right one? Behavioral scientist Steven Reiss claims that we are drawn to people who are similar to us. Homogamy, says the technical jargon and does not just mean the fact that dog owner and dog faces are often amazingly alike, but that the similarity also relates to ancestry, education, status or values. That makes sense, after all, partnerships in which one has similar values ​​and goals are more promising in the long term.

But even that is of no use to Barbara. After all, she always falls in love before she knows that her lover not only does not share the same values, but the relationship has no value either. The problem is that we are also subconsciously looking for similarities. We tend to be types that seem familiar to us. Dr. Neumann believes: “The tendencies are reflections of many great experiences from the past. I assume that these experiences are stored somewhere in our memory - in other words, in the subconscious. " And Neumann suspects something else: Who we fall in love with has little to do with the other person but a lot to do with ourselves.

The Pattern of falling in love but breaking out is not easy. Because we usually cannot name what triggers falling in love. It is assumed that the relationship patterns that our parents exemplified are decisive for our partner preferences. It doesn't have to be an obviously terrible relationship, like the famous example of the daughter of a violent alcoholic, who then always finds herself in relationships in which she is violated.

The brain stores what it has experienced as something familiar. We look for the familiar because we know it, regardless of whether it is good or bad for us. And it makes a lot of things easier for us in life. For example, when we learn to type on a PC, it is difficult to find every single letter at first. Over time, our fingers find the letters automatically. This ability is only forgotten if we do not type or rearrange the letters on the keyboard for a very long time.

So you would have to reprogram Barbara as men willing to commit. But how? In order to fall in love with other types of people, we have to move to unfamiliar areas, recommends psychologist Dr. Ragmar Beer. Barbara should date men she usually doesn't care about because, over time, her brain may learn that other characteristics and behaviors of a partner are better for her.

You want it too

That leaves the problem that often starts with a "should" and one ticks off under bad timing. Maybe Barbara should have got to know Andrin earlier, before there were kids and home loans. And Roman later, after his girlfriend revealed to him that she actually loves women - because how often do you meet the right person at the wrong time?

The science author Bas Kast ("Love - and how passion is explained") has an astonishing answer: We probably don't fall in love at the wrong moment, but when we can. «We should never underestimate the importance of when. Of course the who, of course the where, but above all the situation in which we find ourselves. »[2] Why is Barbara now and again looking for men whom she cannot really have? Maybe because she doesn't want everything from him right now. Maybe because Barbara doesn't really want to commit.

And how good that Barbara falls in love so quickly, because statistically it works with love with the 13th partner at the latest. And science gives us another wisdom: In a study by college students [3] about love, two remarkable questions were asked. "Have you ever been rejected by someone you really loved?" And: "Have you ever dumped someone who really loved you?" Almost 95 percent of the men and women surveyed said yes to both. Nobody can avoid love without suffering.

Photo: istock

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