Narcissists push you away on purpose
1. You have done a lot of research on narcissism.
2. You know all websites about narcissism?
3. Are you in therapy but not making any progress?
4. Do you often think of suicide because you see your life as meaningless?
5. There is chaos in everyday life. You can no longer eat, you can not sleep and you can no longer work?
6. Has your self-worth reached zero?
7. Do you wear masks because you think you will please him better with them?
8. Do you always want to clarify something?
9. Do you think that you are not lovable and that you have to fight for love?
10. You think you are lost without him?
11. Wondering what you can do to bind him to you?
If you run into a narcissist, then you will go through the toxic cycle. He will not respect you, love you or treat you well. You can keep it if you give yourself up completely and sustainably.
I would advise you to go into no contact to save yourself further suffering. I would advise you to look after yourself and take care of your wounds yourself, to love and appreciate you, but I know you don't want to hear that now.
Let yourself be told that a marathon, not a romantic walk, is ahead of you. You will find yourself in further entanglements and addictions, but with my tips you can keep it.
(I'm writing from a woman's point of view. Men just turn it around. It doesn't make much difference. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is gender neutral.)
A person with a narcissistic personality disorder is always manipulative, paranoid, self-centered, incapable of criticism, easily insulted, opinionated and emotionally unempathic. He "scans" people using cognitive empathy and thus knows very quickly how to approach someone.
If you want to live with a narcissist, you can't avoid suffering on a regular basis. Through his paranoia and projection, he will make you feel deep pain.
Anyone can run into a narcissist, but not everyone stays. It is worth taking a closer look here. How do you know devaluing behavior? How did your parents and other caregivers treat you back then?
Narcissists exude confidence, but are usually completely fragile on the inside. The hidden type (vulnerable, fragile type) is difficult to recognize and therefore very dangerous. He avoids feeling his fragile self, which is why he devalues you after the love bombing phase. This increases it. The narcissistic cycle begins: love bombing, devaluation, discarding, hoovering. A narcissist will only hover if you can still serve him well as an energizer. Otherwise, you're done for him.
The malignant type (open narcissist) has an exaggerated sense of self-worth. You'll recognize him faster. If you like this guy, then you will learn what it means to be deliberately tortured. Just because. The malignant narcissist has fun when others are suffering. He loves to exercise power and control by deliberately ramming his counterpart into the ground without a sharp point. He feels most comfortable when you dissolve into your individual parts. Then he moves on unmoved. There is no hoovering here because it is multi-track from the start and not only draws energy from you, but also makes itself socially indispensable. Narcissists crave narcissistic feed and they do a lot for it.
From the diary of my friend Susanne, who was in a relationship with a covert narcissist for two and a half years:
We sit by candlelight in a niche at the romantic table for two. He looks me in the eye, takes my hand tenderly and smiles dreamily:
"I think it's a shame that I met you so late. My last relationship was terrible. She was pathologically jealous. Unendurable. I had found her a place in therapy, but she didn't want my help. Out of concern, I tried to find out why she goes nuts when I spend the weekend with my mother. She could have gone with me, but she didn't want to because she didn't get along with my mother. My mother is sneaky and manipulative. She always made her understand that it was other women give what was wrong, but my ex believed it. Who knows what would have become of us if we had met earlier ".
I hung on his lips and felt deep love for this man who, out of love, did not turn his back on his mother, as I thought, and also not this crazy woman, even though he was under so much stress. I never wanted to treat him like that, I would keep all misfortune away from him, give him my soul, my heart and my mind.
"Promise me" I heard his warm voice and his lovely face rested on mine. “Please promise me that this will never end with us. I mean, the basis of our relationship is a deep friendship. I'm not ready for a steady two-person relationship at the moment. It took a lot of energy with my ex and I have to stay in my center because my work is important. Relationship problems throw me off course. We both have a great time. Please never let it end. You never know what the future will bring. "
Do you see what my girlfriend didn't see? A man behaves completely contrary to his words non-verbally. Studies have shown that we follow the spoken word 19% of the time! 55% make up body language and 26% make up the voice. This means that a fraction of the content will reach you if you are not consciously paying attention to the big picture.
I am referring to my friend's story because I saw her fall apart. I had previous experience with criminals through narcissism because I worked for the criminal investigation department in the K1 division. In my private life I came across the subject of narcissism, especially through my friend Susanne's devastating relationship.
Further from Susanne's diary:
Susanne's lover said from the start that he was not available for a relationship. All she heard was what he showed her. How he dealt with her. Tender, loving, attentive, affectionate. He led a painful relationship in his past that made it impossible for him to have a new relationship. With this he heated up Susanne's buried helper and rescuer syndrome. She subconsciously noticed that something was going wrong, but she couldn't place it because he was gaslighting. He confused her by acting differently than he was speaking. He always remained non-binding, but gave full throttle during the meetings.
Excerpt from her diary:
After three long grueling days, he came back on the line. “Hello sweetheart, how are you? What do you do?" I wanted to yell at him why he never calls on the weekend. He always said he worked so much and had to be alone at the weekend. I do not understand that! When you love each other, you want to be together every free minute. I want it. Why shouldn't he want it? How he holds my hand, talks to me, sleeps with me! Why doesn't he answer for three whole days? How can he switch off? I'm falling deeper and deeper I do not get it. I gave up everything for him. My great husband, my beautiful house, my big car. I am giving us this chance. Why can he keep blocking me out? What do I not see? He works here but lives further away. I do not mind that. I would have liked to commute with him, but he doesn't offer it and I don't ask so as not to be intrusive.
"I love you so much. You do me good My quality of life is much greater since I have known you. I'm scared of having a steady relationship again because I don't want to lose you. After a breakup, it's all over. None of my ex-girlfriends want anything to do with me. But we will always be together in this way. "
Susanne: “As always, he held my hand, stroked it, looked longingly and melancholy into the distance and spoke the carefully considered words. It bothers me that he keeps using the word “friendship”, as well as two-way relationships. For me, a relationship takes two. It is alien to me that this should be emphasized. Sometimes I say that I also find our "friendship" exceptionally beautiful. Then he says I'm cold because we're so much more than friends. In these moments I feel his fear of losing myself and relax. "
Susanne made a lot of mistakes. It is normal for you to hear what you want to hear, see what you want to see, and do what other people shake their heads about when you are intoxicated with hormones. As long as nobody suffers from it, everything is fine. However, if you run into a narcissist, that is a completely different dimension. In the end, the partner is usually left completely destroyed. A perfidious and dangerous game for the life and limb of the partner.
From Susanne's diary:
“Now I'm completely down. I have to force myself to eat. Conversations with Angie are all about him. She is annoyed, pushes to break contact. I suffer. Feel like I'm under water, caught in a suction that pulls me into the depths. All attempts to save me fail. I can't get away from him, I only live with him for a few hours. I am unable to act, unable to work. Try, with your last bit of strength, to maintain the facade. See the black abyss in front of me and feel unable to take a step back. Meanwhile, the anticipation to see him is greater than to see him. The pain is my constant companion. Everything hurts. I see him and I think how he touches the other woman. Feel his lips burn like fire on mine and can't stop kissing him. I play him strong because I know he wouldn't love a wreck. But I'm a wreck, totally lost. I hold out week after week for an evening with him. "
That was the low point. Susanne could no longer recognize the pointlessness of her actions. Fixed and entangled in an illusion. Dependent women don't see this. Toxic relationships hold a high potential for addiction due to the hot-cold games. The narcissist is the drug and you are the addict. Without breaking contact, it is very difficult to detoxify.
Susanne's diary (from which two books will later emerge):
“I'm sitting on the edge of the forest. My cell phone rings and I see his name. A rush of electricity rushes through my tired body, but I don't answer it. Something inside me drives me to rebellion. I will die if this doesn't stop. I feel old and sick, cannot eat or sleep. Sometimes I can't even cry anymore. The pain has completely taken hold of me. I think of him and see his other girlfriend. How he eats with her, how he cuddles with her, how he sleeps with her. I hang around, hang out and I don't care that everything goes down the drain. "
My conclusion: our friendship is being put to the test. We talk all night, I can't get to her. She protects him when I want to open her eyes. I get scared for her, but she rejects everything. She just wants to talk about him. She is constantly analyzing the situation. I doubt her sanity and seek advice from a psychologist. Can't find an answer and now order literature. I get all the information I can get. It was no use. She sticks to him. She would have thrown our 25-year friendship at the stake if I hadn't given in. It was clear to me that she was completely insane. Susanne, whom I knew, no longer existed.
Here it becomes clear: Destructive relationships are dangerous. If one suffers emotionally over a long period of time, physical complaints are added, with headaches, nausea and stomach ulcers being the smaller problems. The immune system is weakened and adrenaline is constantly released. No organism can withstand this in the long run.
From her diary:
“I yell at him again and again as if I had forgotten my upbringing. I blame him for ruining my life, using me, fooling me and building a different relationship on the side. From him comes a feigned embarrassment. He says he told me from the start that he doesn't want a committed relationship. That I destroyed my life myself and that he has nothing to do with it, that he is not to blame. He doesn't admit that he went too far. That he lied and cheated on me. There is no understanding from him, nothing that could keep me upright, that would comfort me, nothing at all. Instead, he repeatedly ignores my wish to leave me alone. I am not strong enough to face this with ignorance. His words touch me. He says that without me he has no quality of life. That it feels like dying when I go I can't help but remain "his good friend" because I can't imagine being without him either. "
At the beginning, Susanne's boyfriend made her promise to be friends forever. A narcissist knows they have you hooked because empathetic people feel bound by their promises. Watch out WHOM you promise WHAT! Susanne wants to be generous. She wants to remain the special one in his life. That is why she torments herself, pretends to be, suffers, but does not let him fall. She does not see that he cannot lose his object as long as there is no comparable source of energy. Before he suffers, he burns them up. He also does not respond to begging her not to contact her any more. Narcissists are all about themselves. Always!
From her diary:
“The sun shines lazily on my face. It's spring. A couple of birds are screaming. I am surrounded by a warm feeling that I remember from my past. I suddenly realize what I'm feeling. It is hope! For the first time in ages I see a future. The sun shines for me too, it shines even without him. That seemed utterly impossible. I feel euphoria, joy, strength. It feels good. I carefully believe that I can live without him. For the first time, I think my life will be fine without him. And one more thought occurs to me as I walk alone through the country lanes. That I was lucky. Incredibly lucky that he didn't want me. That he didn't want to marry me, live with me, have a family with me. I get out of it because I'm free, because we have nothing in common, because I can just live as I want. He never took responsibility. I don't have to feel responsible for him, don't have to get to know his destructive side better, which would definitely have killed me at some point. He is free from me and I am free from him. It's like I'm back from hell I don't know where to start cleaning up my life. "
The lack of emotional empathy completely rules out happy togetherness. You cannot and should not ignore this fact. I thank you for your attention!
If you want to dive deeper into the matter, visit me on my Youtube channel "Blickwinkel", read or listen to my books on the subject of narcissism and co., Which you can find on the Internet, or book a coaching session. You are not alone and you come out of there. You took the first step when you visited my website. Do not stop now, but let us help you find your way back to yourself.
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