Why did you stop watching ESPN

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Football Team War Room, Washington, D.C.

Washington Coach: Okay, do we agree that we should trade in front of the Eagles and get Bateman?

Washington GM: Yes, the Eagles have to take a receiver and with the three that are already gone, Bateman is the next logical target. Okay, get the Giants on the phone for me.

Washington Owner: One moment please. Think about our new processes. Every management decision must be checked for possible controversy by our PR task force. So what do you guys have about Bateman?

Washington PR Expert: Okay, let me take a look. Impeccable demeanor, careful choice of words, keeps his political opinions to himself.

Washington Owner: Sounds good.

Washington PRExpert: Absolutely. A completely uncontroversial pick by all common sense ... the only one ... well, but I don't know.

Washington Owner: Yes what? Out with the language.

Washington PRExpert: Oh, it's nothing. I probably shouldn't have started with it.

Washington Owner: Yes, yes. That's what they're there for. We want to play it safe this year. What is it?

Washington PRExpert: Well, have you ever looked what you can find on the internet when you type in Bateman?

Washington Owner: * looks questioningly *

Washington PRExpert: So, urbandictionary has some associations with unprofessional behavior, violence, homophobia and sexism. But my god that's just a name.

Washington GM: * reads on his smartphone * "... cares of nothing but material possesions ... inherently violent ... above the law ... okay, I'm not saying that out loud now ... Batman's retarded cousin ..." Yes, my god, but it's really just a name. What's the worst that can happen?

Washington Owner: Oh God! Another name discussion!

Washington Assistant: I have the Giants on the line.

Washington Owner: Hang up! Hang up!

Main Stage, Cleveland, Ohio

Roger Goodell: With the eleventh pick of the 2021 draft, the New York Giants, Rashawn Slater, choose Offensive Tackle, Northwestern University.

ESPN analyst table, Cleveland, Ohio

Booger McFarland: A player who can have an immediate impact.

Mike Greenberg: And so the Eagles are on the clock. Which also means that Mel can devote himself to his favorite topic again.

Mel Kiper: I would also report on other teams if they were to draft as disastrously as the Eagles.

Mike Greenberg: Well, Mel, you can now discuss this with Howie Roseman in person. Because the Eagles GM is back in to tell us live what the Eagles are doing with their pick.

Mel Kiper: I don't think there's any question that the Eagles' draft history is catastrophic. But I have another question for Howie: You told us last year that the Eagles are a "quarterback factory" quote. Do you stand by this statement? And if so, we can assume that the Eagles will choose at least one or two QBs in this year's draft, right? And then the question, how excited are these quarterbacks when they hear that the Eagles regard them as a product in a factory?

Howie Roseman: Hi Mike. Thanks for the invitation.

Mel Kiper: Do you stand by the statement? Are the Eagles a quarterback factory.

Howie Roseman: Of course, we have an excellent track record when it comes to training on quarterbacks. Just think of Carson Wentz, Nick Foles and many others. But in the draft you always look, depending on the situation, to see who is still available from your big board and then choose the best player. Not just blind to position. People who have hands-on experience with the process, of course, know this.

Mel Kiper: But do you stand by your statement? Are the Eagles a quarterback factory?

Howie Roseman: We have identified some needs in the team and accordingly ...

Mel Kiper: But do you stand by the statement?

Howie Roseman: Something like that is of course always a complex one ...

Mel Kiper: Or is Howie Roseman’s word worth nothing more than the next wide receiver with a ball allergy that you sign up.

Howie Roseman: * looks angrily at the camera *

Mel Kiper: A simple question: do you stand by what you said?

Howie Roseman: Just like you? Huh? Do you stand by your statement? If I remember correctly, a certain ESPN expert announced at the 2010 draft that quote "If Jimmy Clausen isn't a successful NFL quarterback, I'm done. That's it. I'm quitting."

Mel Kiper: The thing with Jimmy Clausen ...

Howie Roseman: But do you stand by your statement? Do you stop?

Mel Kiper: I ...

Howie Roseman: Or is Mel Kiper's word no more than his rating of a player by an agent friend.

Mel Kiper: Very funny. But do you take a quarterback or a receiver now.

Howie Roseman: * grins * Neither, we're trading down. Just wanted to see how things are going for you.

Main Stage, Cleveland, Ohio

Roger Goodell: The Philadelphia Eagles traded their twelfth pick to the Arizona Cardinals. With the twelfth pick of the 2021 draft, the Arizona Cardinals choose Jaycee Horn, Cornerback, University of South Carolina.

War Room of the Lions, Detroit, Michigan

Anthony Lynn: Okay, if the receivers don't suit you, then just a lineman?

Dan Campbell: Yes, the huge, tough guys at the front. These are the kind of men we need here in Detroit. I want a monster from a man. Don't mess, just plop. Think big. So who do you have for me

Anthony Lynn: Walker Little from Stanford.

Dan Campbell: Little? From Stanford?

Anthony Lynn: He really saw ...

Dan Campbell: Bloody hell. I said think big. I want Walker Texas Ranger not Walker Little. I don't want Goldberg Gillberg. What's on the defensive line?

Aaron Glenn (Defensive Coordinator): I still have an edge here from the Georgia Bulldogs.

Dan Campbell: Yes, bulldogs. That sounds like something with bite. You got it. That's the big fish. Who is this?

Aaron Glenn: Malik Herring.

Main Stage, Cleveland, Ohio

Roger Goodell: The Detroit Lions traded the 13th pick to the Tennessee Titans. With the 13th pick of the 2021 draft, the Tennessee Titans choose Caleb Farley, Cornerback, Virginia Tech.

ESPN analyst table, Cleveland, Ohio

Mike Greenberg: Farley recently had a back operation and feared that it might have a difficult day today. Now the relief will be correspondingly great that he is off the board. Trevor Lawrence continues to have a difficult day. We now have Adam Shefter on the line with new information on the Lawrence case.

Adam Shefter: Yeah thanks Mike. As I learned, rumors are currently circulating that there is supposed to be a connection between Lawrence and the Russian secret service. It is still unclear how and what exactly is in the room. But apparently the whole thing has such a great explosive power that everyone is currently keeping their hands off the Clemson quarterback.

Mel Kiper: * chuckles * So I might have expected that from Virginia linebacker Charles Snowden, but not from Trevor Lawrence.

Mike Greenberg: So maybe a Trump 2.0 instead of a Kaepernick 2.0. And the whole football world is wondering what's going on between Lawrence and Putin.

Booger McFarland: Putin is someone who makes an immediate impact. A poisonous playmaker.

Aaron Rodgers: So I think we should all calm down. It's draft day. Rumors are always exaggerated. I am sure that all of this will dissolve in good pleasure and that we can all go home calmly.

Louis Riddick: Typical white people crime. I'm tired of the fact that black players from difficult backgrounds are regularly portrayed as criminals in the NFL when they struggle to get used to the norms of this strange world. But when it comes to the real scandals: SpyGate, DeflateGate, BountyGate, the covering up of brain damage through football or now treason. Then a white man is always the puller behind it. We have to stop applying different standards to black and white players here and it has to start with Trevor Lawarence!

Main Stage, Cleveland, Ohio

Roger Goodell: With the 14th pick of the 2021 draft, the Minnesota Vikings choose Christian Darrisaw, Offensive Tackle, Virginia Tech.

ESPN analyst table, Cleveland, Ohio

Booger McFarland: If you're looking for an impact player, Darrisaw is the place for you.

Mike Greenberg: With that, the Broncos are on the clock, who have announced a press conference in a very unorthodox way. We'll switch over to find out what this is all about.

Broncos press room, Denver, Colorado

George Paton: I am pleased that they have all appeared in such large numbers. We have two announcements to make and then of course we also have to announce our draft pick. So we don't waste any time. The Broncos have long been unsuccessful in finding the franchise quarterback. That time comes to an end today.

John Elway: * bursts with pride *

George Paton: Because sometimes the right choice is easy and right in front of your eyes. So I'm proud to announce that John Elway is returning from retirement and being a Bronco again. John.

John Elway: Yes thank you George. I feel better than ever and just have the feeling that I have another trip to the SuperBowl in me. Then Tom Brady can already see who is really timeless and who is really the GOAT.

George Paton: Thank you john The second announcement concerns the details of the trade with the Patriots. In the trade we get the 15th pick in 2021 and the second round pick of the Patriots in 2022. In addition, the Patriots have promised not to draft a quarterback at 9.

Reggie Herring: * whispers to Paton * Are you sure this was a good idea?

George Paton: * whispers back * That's what he wants and you know he's John Elway, we can never fire him. But we can...

George Paton: * loud again * The Patriots get the 9th pick in 2021, our third round pick in 2022 and quarterback John Elway. We would like to take this opportunity to thank John for his two successful stints in Denver and wish him all the best in New England.

Main Stage, Cleveland, Ohio

Roger Goodell: With the 15th pick of the 2021 draft, the Denver Broncos choose Trey Lance, quarterback, North Dakota.

ESPN analyst table, Cleveland, Ohio

Mike Greenberg: And with that, the Eagles are back on the clock, and Howie Roseman is still not afraid of the public. Icke.

Icke Dominguez: Si, exactly. After the dispute with Mel on the sixth pick, Roseman popularized the hashtag #MeanMelsMajorMisses, which is now so trending on Twitter that it competes with the #LawrenceSlide. What happens there is that people take quotes from Mel that he was badly wrong in evaluating players and then combine them with fictional social predictions from the same year. Here, for example, the original tweet from Roseman about the year the iPhone was released: "2007. Mel Kiper to the Lions: Why not Brady Quinn instead of Calvin Johnson? Mel Kiper to the rest of the world: Why not a Nokia instead of an iPhone ? #MeanMelsMajorMisses #ExamineTheExperts "

Mel Kiper: You can tell from his last wide receiver picks that Howie Roseman went comedian.

Icke Dominguez: And he's not the only one. A great many have followed his example. For example, here's a tweet about Mel's assessment of Julio Jones and the Navy Seals just before they killed Bin Laden: "2011. Mel Kiper on Julio Jones: There are some inconsistencies with catching balls. Mel Kiper on the Navy Seals: It there are some inconsistencies regarding catching terrorists. #MeanMelsMajorMisses "And another:" 2016. Mel Kiper in Connor Cook fan shirt: Dak Prescott is my No. 5 QB. Mel Kiper in Jeb! shirt: Donald Trump is my No. 5 presidential candidate. #MeanMelsMajorMisses "

Mike Greenberg: Nah, Mel. At least we won't have to talk about the Eagles for the second half of the draft if they make their pick now.

Main Stage, Cleveland, Ohio

Roger Goodell: The Philadelphia Eagles traded the 16th pick to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. With the 16th pick of the 2021 draft, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers choose Kwity Paye, Edge, Michigan.

Football Team War Room, Washington, D.C.

Washington GM: Okay, the next but one pick is ours. Have everyone prepared their new candidates?

Washington Owner: And remember: just don't have any naming controversies. No slang, no slurs. We have to forget about the R-Word. That’s why we’re playing it safe today. So GM who do you have?

Washington GM: Demetrius Taylor. Edge from Appalachian State. Actually more of a mid-round pick. But we could trade down.

Washington Owner: * looks over to the PR expert *

Washington PRExpert: Impeccable player. Exemplary behavior.

Washington Owner: And the name is clean?

Washington PRExpert: Yes, actually. * sighs *

Washington Owner: Actually?

Washington PRExpert: Well Taylor like Zachary Taylor the President.

Washington GM: And what did he do?

Washington PRExpert: Indigenous people hunted with bloodhounds and fought in wars. And also had over 100 slaves.

Washington Owner: Oh god, oh god, oh god Next next suggestion.

Washington Coach: Jemar Jefferson, Oregon State running back.

Washington Owner: * looks back at the PR expert *

Washington PRExpert: Thomas Jefferson the architect of Indian resettlement and over 600 slaves.

Washington Owner: Damn it. Why do all presidents have a mess? Who else is there?

Washington GM: Uh ... I still have Safety Richie Grant from Florida Central.

Washington PRExpert: Ulyssus Simpson Grant, corruption scandals.

Washington Owner: Okay, this is the favorite so far.

Washington Coach: I still have Safety Paris Ford and Defensive Tackle Daviyon Nixon.

Washington PRExpert: Nixon Watergate and Ford pardoned Nixon and covered up the crimes of the CIA.

Washington Owner: * desperate * What is there for foreign players?

Main Stage, Cleveland, Ohio

Roger Goodell: With the 17th pick of the 2021 draft, the Las Vegas Raiders choose Alijah Vera-Tucker, Offensive Tackle, USC.

Etienne family home, Jennings, Louisiana

Mike Greenberg (on TV): The Raiders sign a talent originally from Oakland. But we are still concerned with another controversy where someone reveals his origin. Icke what does the network say about the Lawrence Cause?

Icke Dominguez (on TV): Mucho. The Putin-Lawrence collages are currently booming. Here, for example, Putin and Lawrence both bare-chested riding a bear or here the former Clemson Tigers in a new look as Clemson Bears with the Russian bear as a new mascot.

Booger Mc Farland (on TV): At 9 feet 8, a Russian bear is an animal that can have an immediate impact.

Icke Dominguez (on TV): In addition, this interesting video from Lawrence teammate Travis Etienne has appeared, which his eight-year-old neighbor apparently uploaded.

Stan Wiltz: * jumps up from the sofa * What the ...?

Travis Etienne (in the video): Hey Kevin, the basketball jumped into your yard. Could you give it back to me?

Kevin (in the video): Nope, this is my basketball now. My good friend Harry always says if you find it, you can keep it.

Travis Etienne (in the video): What? But this is my ball.

Kevin (in the video): But my good friend Harry said ...

Travis Etienne (in the video): But my good friend Trevor Lawrence said you have to support your neighborhood. So you give me the ball

Kevin (in the video): But Harry is a good friend of Mike's. And Mike always says you're next to yourself.

Travis Etienne (in the video): * gets angry * Oh, yes. And Travis is a good friend of Donald Trump and Donald Trump always says, now give me the damn ball or I'll spank your bum, you little shit.

Stan Wiltz: Fuck! * runs out into the garden *

Travis Etienne: Hey what's up stan? Have I been drafted?

Stan Wiltz: Yes, swipe the aisles at WalMart if you keep making YouTube videos with the boy next door.

Travis Etienne: Oh, that was just my basketball that ...

Stan Wiltz: Get out of the garden. Into the basement. Here you have duct tape that comes over your mouth. And a bucket in case you have to. You can't come out of the basement anymore. You don't talk to anyone anymore. You don't show yourself to anyone anymore. And you don't make any knock signals either. Until you were drafted.

Travis Etienne: But...

Stan Wiltz: No buts, march off!

Main Stage, Cleveland, Ohio

Roger Goodell: With the 18th pick of the 2021 draft, the Miami Dolphins choose Zaven Collins, Linebacker, Tulsa.

Football Team War Room, Washington, D.C.

Washington Owner: * with eyes wide in panic * Is there no player who is harmless? What if we don't peck anyone?

Washington GM: Always with Tranquillity. We still have a few minutes.

Washington Coach: All right, do we have anyone else on the list?

Washington Owner: But remember: security, security, security! Just nothing that can somehow be perceived as racist.

Washington GM: Uh ... Mike Bushman?

Washington Owner: Bloody hell. I give up. PR aunt pick someone.

Main Stage, Cleveland, Ohio

Roger Goodell: With the 19th pick of the 2021 draft, Washington Football Team Ar'Darius chooses Washington, Safety, Texas Christian University.

ESPN analyst table, Cleveland, Ohio

Booger McFarland: Washington is a player who could cause a stir.

Mike Greenberg: Washington chooses Washington. Mel, what is your opinion on that?

Mel Kiper: So much Washington, I remember an absurd story I heard recently. Apparently there are a few environmental activists who want to instrumentalize George Washington because of the story with the cherry tree as a symbol for the lack of engagement of the Americans against the deforestation of the primeval forests.

Mike Greenberg: Hopefully this won't be the next name discussion for the Washington Football Team.

Aaron Rodgers: Then at the end of the day they are just called Football Team.

All: *laugh*

Football Team War Room, Washington, D.C.

Washington Owner: Bloody hell.

ESPN analyst table, Cleveland, Ohio

Mike Greenberg: And so the Bears are on the clock and one of the quarterbacks of the Bears, SuperBowl MVP Big Nick Foles, is now connected.

Nick Foles: Thanks for inviting me, but that's not my full nickname.

Mike Greenberg: Nick, there is speculation that the Bears might go O-Line here, what is your opinion on that?

Nick Foles: It's not unlikely, yes.

Mike Greenberg: It's an eventful draft, Big Nick, what are you looking at in particular?

Nick Foles: This is still not my nickname.

Mike Greenberg: * laughs * Oh, but at prime time that's the full nickname.

Nick Foles: * looks confused for a moment * Well, well ... I was a third-round pick myself. So of course I like to look at steals on the second and third day. There are a number of interesting candidates: e.g. the tight end hunter long or wide receiver Dyami Brown or linebacker Jabril Cox. Also not to be despised are the two namesakes Josh Ball and Marcelinho Ball, Offensive Tackle and Safety respectively.

Mike Greenberg: There we are. On the recommendation of Nick Foles. It's worth it all weekend to stay tuned and keep an eye on Long, Brown, Cox and the two balls at ESPN.

Booger McFarland: Cox is a player who can be really fun.

Main Stage, Cleveland, Ohio

Roger Goodell: With the 20th pick of the 2021 draft, the Chicago Bears choose Teven Jenkins, Offensive Tackle, Oklahoma State.

to part 3