Do you have a good father

7 signs a psychologist can use to recognize good parents

These seven things make good parents, says a psychologist and explains why comparisons, competition or any yardstick for success guaranteed nothing to do with it.

What makes a good mother or a good father? A question on which opinions differ. There are so many topics in child-rearing that are hotly debated. Breastfeeding - not breastfeeding, family bed - baby bed, vegan - omnivorous ... The list is endless, as are the various opinions and points of view. But is it really these debates that are decisive for a happy childhood and adolescence? What is really important when we are raising our children? Of course, one thing above all: love!

Related to this, there are signs that show that you as parents are doing everything right and that you are giving your child everything that is important in bringing up them. In an article for Parent Co., the clinical psychologist Nadene van der Linden summarized seven signs by which she recognizes in her work as a therapist that parents are doing a good job and children are in good hands.

Seven signs that you are good parents

1. Your child shows a range of feelings towards you

No question about it, it can be exhausting at times - but if your child is ready to show a range of emotions in front of you, that's always a good sign. Anger, anger, sadness or fear - if your child comes to you with their feelings and shows them openly, it means that they feel safe, secure and understood with you.

"I always worry when children hide their feelings from their parents," writes van der Linden. "This is often a sign of major problems in the parent-child relationship." So when your child comes to you, don't try to cover up their feelings or distract your child. Instead, you should show your offspring that you take their feelings seriously and that you always have an open ear for them.

The bestseller on the subject of children's feelings:

Do you love me even when i'm angry? What emotive kids really want

2. Your child comes to you when they have a problem

It sounds simple, but it is extremely important: "I know that parents do a great job when they are the first point of contact for any problems their child has," writes van der Linden. Because that means that you have a solid skeleton or Safety net that your child can always return to when they need help.

3. Your child can discuss their thoughts and feelings with you without fear of your reaction

This point is based on the two signs mentioned earlier. Some parents unconsciously restrict communication with their child through their behavior, for example by overreacting to certain feelings and thoughts or feeling offended as parents, etc. Other parents appear to their children so sensitive that they do not want to burden mom and dad with their emotional life .

Nadene van der Linden writes: "I worry when parents say: 'My child is my rock.' Parents are the rock; children should never be the rock for their parents. " So try to accept and support your child's thoughts and feelings without seeing them as an attack on yourself as a parent or your character.

For moms who believe that their feelings often stand in their way:

4. Your feedback is not critical or judgmental

Good parents give their child feedback that is neither too critical nor contains derogatory labels such as "angry", "greedy" or "lazy".
External criticism of your child, focus on their behavior, not their character. Say, "You finished all of the cookies before someone else had a chance to try one. But sharing is important to all of us. Can you think of a way you can make it up to you?" Instead of: "That was very greedy of you. There will be no dinner today!"

5. Youencourage your child to pursue their interests and talents

Hobbies and interests help your child learn to stick with something. You make him feel that he has achieved something himself and on his own.

Sometimes parents tend to impose hobbies on their children that they would like to do or would have liked to do themselves. But that can really go wrong. The child may feel pressured, feel like a big disappointment, and think that their own wants and interests are worthless.

In the book, Barbara Hennings explains what encouragement looks like in practice based on the principles of Rudolf Dreikurs:

Encouragement and recognition: the Rudolf Dreikurs educational compass

6. Youset boundaries to protect your child's wellbeing

Good parents guide their child's behavior by setting well-thought-out boundaries. Because children without borders often feel lost. Boundaries and rules help children feel loved and valued - even if they sometimes rebel against the restrictions.

In the following book tip, Ulla Nedebock explains, using 5 simple steps, how parents draw boundaries and implement them in turbulent everyday life:

Strong children need rules: clear boundaries - relaxed family. Achieve a lot with small changes. Recommended by the academy for kindergarten, daycare and after-school care

7. You make up for your mistakes

Everybody makes mistakes. Even the best parents will make mistakes. Many errors. The key is: Good parents stand up for their mistakes and try to fix them.

So if you ever yell at your child or overreact, it's important to repair that break in the relationship. This also means: apologizing for your own mistake in the child. Explain to your child why this wrongdoing came about and what your feelings were like at that moment.

Comparisons are useless

Even if it is tempting to look for parameters that clearly attest that you are a good mom or a good dad ... but the "right diet", the reading progress of your little one or the victory in the next soccer game say nothing about it yourselves as parents. Because love, care and a good parent-child relationship cannot be measured by a yardstick.

What it's all about, what's really important, is to create a place, a family, where your child can be safe and secure feels. So that it can grow into an independent, respectful and self-confident adult. It is about a lifelong relationship that does not depend on external events, things or results, but on love, respect and connectedness.

Which mom type are you or will you be?