I have to end this friendship right

Ending friendship: when it makes sense & how it is fair

Losing a good friend hurts. It feels almost as bad as breaking up with a partner. It's like lovesickness, just a little different. Nevertheless, there are moments in life when we have to recognize that friendship with someone no longer makes sense, that it is not good for us, but rather burdens us. These are moments when we should consider whether breaking off contact would not make more sense than holding onto this bad, possibly mutually toxic relationship.

There are several reasons a friend can end. And there should be some fair rules on how to do that. Because even if these friends are no longer to be part of our lives from now on, we owe them a fair departure. Alone, for the sake of the good time you had together at some point.

What are good friendships?

If you are thinking about ending a friendship, you should first be clear about what constitutes a friendship. In this way we can see more clearly when it is no longer. So what are good friends? For one, that both treat each other with respect and tolerance. Otherwise the balance threatens to tip and one of the two becomes the other's doormat.

Also reciprocity is an important point in friendships. Because there should be a give and take in such a way that both benefit from the friendship. If someone is constantly just the suggestion box for the other, but he never has an open ear for him, then this constellation is extremely one-sided and, in the long term, rather an exploitation of good-naturedness.

Next point: Friendships want to be cultivated. There are those old sandpit loves that still feel familiar and good even after a five-year break from broadcasting, but this is also often about common, good, old times and the transfiguration of these. In the case of younger acquaintances who have not yet had such a long history and shared history, it is important, however, that one strives for one another. That one looks: How can I do the other good, how can I be a strong, reliable shoulder for them?

Which brings us to the last point: Reliability. And especially in bad times. Because everyone can hop through the nights together and have fun. But who is there when you feel bad? This is usually the moment when you can clearly differentiate between good and bad friends.

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End friendship or keep friendship: when does what make sense?

So if I feel that being with a girlfriend or boyfriend is not doing me good, that I constantly feel badly treated, that I have to justify myself, that I am kept small and neglected, then I should take a closer look at these points. Which of them still applies to this person? Respect, tolerance, reciprocity ... what exactly does he still do and what not?

If the efforts for a good togetherness are absolutely one-sided and the other is a human A ***, then I can definitely consider whether I should not draw my conclusions from it and end the friendship.

But there are more reasons to break your friendship with someone. Betrayal, betrayal, cheating and lying - these are all tough stuff among friends. But ultimately we should be able to forgive up to a point. When there is prospect of improvement. However, if it doesn't and the anti-social behavior becomes permanent, things look different and we should seriously consider ending the friendship.

Also read: True friendship: These 6 things will help you know who is a real friend

And there is an even less dramatic case in which one can think about separate ways: There are friendships with an expiration date. These are people who stand by us in certain phases of our life, but with whom we are more connected to a kind of community of convenience. A joint job, a joint sport, training or whatever.

These can be close and deep friendships, but not infrequently you notice that the time is over and it would be illogical to keep in contact compulsively. Sometimes it's more honest to break up. Without arguments and a lot of discussion, with mutual agreement, because anything else would be spurious. These are also moments when we can resolve friendships very softly and fairly.

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How can you end friendship fairly?

1. Ending friendship: There is a valid reason

As different as the reasons for breaking up with friends, as different, of course, are the ways in which you split up. If a specific, nasty incident was the reason for the decision, a discussion would be important. So the other decision knows why it is better not to be present from now on. Here you should calmly and clearly state your reasons and then keep your distance. This does not have to go hand in hand with insults and hatred, but rather according to the principle: the wiser gives in, or in this case: the wiser draws his conclusions and leaves.

It should be clear: You don't make such clear announcements via WhatsApp messages or email, especially not on social media, i.e. Instagram or Facebook, where everyone can hear it and you publicly wage your guerrilla warfare. Here you should always remember that you were important and close and behave accordingly correctly (- if anger and hurt allow it, otherwise maybe better wait until the first anger has subsided).

In general, one should (if possible) not act in an affect, but first take a short break after a certain incident, in order to then make a decision and implement it. It's better to end a friendship with a clear head, not foaming at the mouth from sheer aggression.

Also read: The secret to real friendship: what endangers it and how it lasts a lifetime

2. Ending friendship: There is no specific reason

When it comes to friends with whom you only feel that you have moved away and moved in different directions, there is no need for a fundamental discussion or a big, clear word. Better: just talk about the friendship that still exists but has changed a lot. Often both of them notice that they no longer have so much to say to each other. You can address this in a last meeting for the time being and then say goodbye for an indefinite period of time.

Neither of them needs a "goodbye" in this case, because ultimately neither of them can do anything about it and the last meeting therefore does not have to contain anything negative. Usually both are empathetic enough to recognize when the common path is over and if not, you can encounter the other by making it a topic.

Also read: Friendship between man and woman: can that work?

Why we shouldn't part too quickly

We have many close relationships in life and also many people who only briefly accompany us on our way. And that's absolutely fine. Not everyone has to be my best friend or my best friend. If we think about it, there are so many types of friendships, not just the sandpit buddy from childhood, but also lots of loose connections with other people. Some expire without the need for many words, others end in a big bang when necessary.

But the important thing is: We should fight for people who are important to us. Just like in partnership, we should strive for them and try to find a solution. Friends are such a gift in life. You shouldn't throw that away too quickly.

Even if a friendship seems to be deadlocked, take the time to talk about it. An open conversation can go a long way. Often both of them do not dare to address certain things, sensitivities or questions until they have a clarifying conversation. Sometimes it helps to take a certain amount of time to separate yourself in order to rearrange yourself and see more clearly and to find answers for yourself - in order to then realize that it is worthwhile to approach each other again.

Paths in life separate and often cross again. You always meet twice, as the saying goes, and friends should think about that too. Fairness and thoughtful action are certainly the best advisors here.