Why didn't you graduate?

This is what happens when you have your university degree in your pocket

Life as a college graduate isn't exactly rosy, is it? Just look at yourself: you sit at work, secretly read this article and every time your boss comes by, you quickly open a table that you should have created four days ago. It takes less than four days to create a table. You know that very well. Your boss knows that too. In fact, the spreadsheet you are supposedly working on is completely irrelevant as well. Your life is just one sad joke anyway.

That's not how it should go. In your imagination, you would only have had to look through the job advertisements exactly once and hand out your résumé with the poor who still hurt from all the handshakes after graduation. And then Apple, Microsoft or any large advertising agency would have knocked on your door and said: “Are we seeing that correctly? Did you graduate from film studies with a 2.2? If you're not already the editor-in-chief of Empire you have to start with us. Is 100,000 euros okay as a starting salary? "

The catch? That's not usually how it works in real life. Instead, one of the following three basic cases occurs after you graduate from university.

1.) You are successful, get a job without any problems and quickly climb the career ladder. Then you just wear suits, hand out your business cards and say things like "create incentives". Oh yes, you also spend as much money on watches as other people pay annually in rent.

2.) You fall back into exactly the same rut that was your constant companion even before university, because you feel comfortable there. You have now seen a campus and seen the world, right? You now know what everyone is always talking about.

3.) Your life is characterized by a certain mediocrity and your aspirations soon turns into an inner, repetitive monologue: “Oh God, I hope I'll get the job in this bar! I would also start on a trial basis. Man, I should be working as a lawyer by now! "

I suppose number three is about you, or you can expect this scenario in a few months when you graduate and all your savings have been spent on the dormitory. Now there are a few other things to look forward to in addition.

These are Cambridge students. That means the whipped guy with the uneven socks is probably running some bank by now. Photo: Nicholas Pomeroy

YOU'RE MOVING IN WITH YOUR PARENTS AGAIN

Regardless of whether it is a six-week flying visit over the summer holidays or a more flexible living situation so that you can give a fixed address: You will move back home with your parents for a while. And the whole thing is really shitty from start to finish.

Here's an example: Your room is now referred to as the "guest room" and you now have to distribute your stuff around an elliptical machine that was left over from the week your father tried to use exercise to prevent a heart attack. If you have a hangover wake up, your mom will leave the teachings and just make breakfast by dropping every single pan loudly on the floor, nothing is as it used to be.

That's because your parents are fed up with you. By now they should be enjoying their old age and cruising, where their tanned bodies rub against each other during sexual activities and where fun limbo competitions are the order of the day. Instead, you occupy her couch and insist that Maggi 5-minute terrines end up in the shopping cart when you buy in bulk. With your very existence you destroy other people's dreams.

A FAMILY MEMBER WILL TELL YOU WHAT A WASTE OF TIME YOUR STUDIES WAS

This is usually reserved for some uncle. "What did you study?" He asks incredulously. "Stage design? What's the point the When you ask him what his favorite movie is, you get "Every James Bond flick" as an answer. His life is all about smoking, the impact of inflation on beer prices, and the clumsiest way to get into a car (you know, when the whole vehicle is jiggling like crazy).

"Damned waste of time," your uncle continues. "If you'd learned a decent job. Your cousin is a plumber, for example." Your cousin is his son and started all the fires back when you were both six years old. "It became something," he says. "Just bought a van." You don't own a van, of course. "You can't go shopping in a philosophy degree, can you?" He's right somewhere. He's already grabbed your chin. He has to be held back by six people. "IN THE SWEATER BOX, YOUR SMILITY ISN'T HELPING YOU, WHAT?"

For some reason, certain people object to the concept of three years of study and graduation, and they will beat you down with late-night clubs for having the audacity to want to make yourself a better person through knowledge. Helicopter parents want their children to become lawyers, doctors, or lawyer-doctors, and men who can smoke a whole cigarette without having to put it down want everyone to work either as a plumber or an electrician. "Truck driver is OK too," adds your uncle after he has calmed down outside.

It is impossible to deal with it properly, by the way. Everyone has a certain path in life, and yours has a three-year detour where you forfeit at least one crappy afternoon TV show and develop a taste for extremely bad cocaine. If you're wondering why some distant relatives don't respect you, just think back to the night you showed up at a college party in a toga.

YOUR MOTHER'S CHILD WILL GO TO AN ELITE UNI

"You know Linda, don't you?" Asks your mother. "Of course you know Linda. When you were little, she always came to us and cut your hair. At the wedding of me and your stepfather, she fell off the chair and you started crying because she had no underwear and you could look deeper into her than you would like. "

"Oh yes," you answer, "Linda."

“Anyway, her one daughter, who was always a little too young for you, but still had to play with each other all the time, was recently accepted at an elite university. She's going to be a doctor one day - but actually all doors are open to her. Later we go to a party in her honor. Your father is even wearing his suit. "

"HE IS NOT MY FATHER," you yell into the phone, then slam the phone down and then defiantly turn to job counseling.

No party was thrown for you when you enrolled at your college, because something like that is not celebrated.

YOU WILL READ A REPORT ON THE AVERAGE STARTING SALARY THAT IS NATURALLY MUCH HIGHER THAN WHAT YOU ARE EARNING

"Bad news for fresh university graduates," says the newscaster. "The average starting salary is just under 39,000 euros a year. A little reminder: That's a few thousand more than you are currently earning."

This message almost seems to be tailored to you. You don't have time to bother with it now, though, because you have to catch the bus to the mall at the bottom of the world where you have to clean out all the cages in the pet store. This is exactly the kind of job that makes you really hate animals.

YOU WILL FIND OUT THAT NO ONE IS REALLY INTERESTED IN YOUR BRIDGE YEAR

That was actually already the case at university, but at least you could show off something at all the first-year parties.

Back then, your bridge year was still interesting in the first week of the first semester. Yes, you built the mud huts with your own hands. You took the little kids by the hand and it felt like this ... It was just an eye-opening experience, you know? You actually live a meaningless life, but when you use childish gibberish to instruct a little boy to take the diarrhea pills, it's just so real. Then you just feel so alive.

Nobody cares. It has always been that way, but is now more true than ever. You can finally take out the Rasta braid.

SOMEBODY WILL ASK YOU A QUESTION THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR DEGREE AND THEN LOOK TRIUMPHANTLY IF YOU DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER

“So English literature? All right, you smart ass, tell me what a cantilever is. You don't know now, do you? Look, you have no idea what a cantilever is! Three years of studying for an ass! "

Sometimes your dad can be a real asshole.

A HATED COMMILITON GETS A JOB IMMEDIATELY

You know exactly who I'm talking about. That one guy who always showed up in hilarious shirts. He always sat a row in front of you and was just busy with bad memes the whole time and drooling on his iPad with giggles. He's now employed by an engineering company where he gets a hefty salary and even got paid to move.

I assure you that Thor and Tim Burton's idea of ​​a school girl are no longer related. Photo: Jake Lewis

THE CONTACT TO YOUR UNI-FRIENDS WILL BE LOSSED

"Forever friends!" You say while you are posing for one last selfie with your buddies, then move back home for a month and try to scrape together the money for your holiday together at home. Wait a minute, Oli is not more at the start? He is now a bank clerk? And please, Jonas is not coming either? Australia?

And then they're gone forever - like the scraps of that terrible thesis that you should have put in the shredder instead of handing it in. But then you remember that they were pretty idiots anyway. Jonas always used your only good plate as an ashtray. Oli once glued your duvet to the couch. And Micha, who is usually so quiet, talked the whole time about completing the big breakfast challenge in your cafeteria, but then never went through with the whole thing. The guys can really fuck off.

PEOPLE WITH WHOM YOU WON'T REALLY HAD WHAT TO DO WANT TO TOGETHER WITH THE OLD TIMES

"I have something to do here," he says. "Would you like a few beers?" And you just think: "How do I know this guy again? Didn't he jerk off at that one party? Is that really wanker Jan? "Since all the university friends have turned their backs on you, all you have left is wanker Jan who wants to sleep on your couch.

YOU FINALLY HAVE THE FEELING OF BELONGING TO ANY CLIQUE

No matter how you twist and turn it, your studies were actually just a constant pursuit of coolness, and every means was fine with you. It was always just about clinging to anyone who even remotely had the same interests as you and then building a wall around that person. Do you remember when you told one guy that you are "a little" active as a DJ, that he really booked you for an event and that you then had to be escorted home by the security staff because your Set was so shit? That's exactly what I mean.

Every skipped seminar and important-looking philosophy book you've read in public — these were all your attempts to somehow belong.

Then you will be released into the big wide world and you realize: Wait a minute, something like cliques doesn't really exist here in real life. Nobody cares how well you do bowling. You can now cut your festival ribbons, get rid of your t-shirts with obscure sayings and finally be normal.

Photo: Nicholas Pomeroy

SOME HATED IDIOT FROM THEN WILL OPEN A FOODTRUCK AND AN ARTICLE WILL BE WRITTEN ABOUT IT

“Florian Meier, 22, graduated from the same university as you. However, his life is going much better now. 'In my second year of study it clicked for me,' muses Flo. "My fellow students were just partying all the time, but I just wanted to stay home and perfect my burger recipe. '"

Even though the investment fair was held directly at your university at the time, you didn't notice it. But that's exactly where Meier secured the huge investment in his "Burger für Bürger" food truck.

You will of course also read the article exactly after you were quit the job at the supermarket checkout that you already had during high school. Apparently you are suddenly "overqualified".

YOU WILL CLEAR HOW SHIT YOU WERE DRESSED TO THE PROMOTION BALL AND DURING STUDIES IN GENERAL

Converse Chucks with a suit? A huge black bow tie borrowed from your father? Off shoulder? Curly hair, although you normally never wear curls? Eyebrow piercing? Gentlemen, you looked really fucking shitty.

Somehow there is also something good about it: If you look at your graduation photo these days and then think you look good and cool on it, then you're still a kid and an idiot. As soon as you look at the picture and then everything inside you inevitably contracts, then you have officially become a better person. You are well on your way to becoming an adult — an adult who no longer sees eyebrow piercings covered in disgusting green-gray residue as a really acceptable look.

YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT TAKING A MASTER

It's actually very simple: if you're not planning on ending up as a professor wearing musky-smelling jackets with elbow patches, then don't do a Masters. And even if that is the case, an MA degree is only one step towards a doctorate, which you take for the sake of form. In two years the world won't look any less terrible and you won't be better suited to the job market. You have already learned as much as you can. So you can confidently throw the application for another student loan into the trash can.

"Ballet outfits? Man, you're just the BEST! "Photo: Jake Lewis

If you show up at a student party now, you will feel real old

You only got your diploma yesterday, but seven new drugs and 100 new trends have already been invented by the time you arrive at home in your father's car. When the new semester begins, these numbers will have tripled again. All the young people then say things like "Snapchat!" Or "Sniffing glue is right back in - totally 90s!"

You go to the same club as usual and the guy at the cash register won't recognize you anymore. "Come on, man!" You beg him. "You know me! I helped you when those assholes got your head caught in an elevator!" Then he replies: “Without a student ID it costs 10 euros.” And then you get a rough stamp on the back of your hand.

Inside, there are now other second semesters behind the bar and your toilet smears are pretty much worn by the ravages of time. Did you really exist at all? Were you really here at all? If you were to die in this cheap and shabby club now, would you have left any footprint on this world at all? And my God, is that what 18 year old girls look like these days? As a collapsed old person crouching on the floor and some guy in a vest spilling his vodka energy drink on your lined, dying face, you can only think one thing: “Damn it crap!"

YOU WILL KNOW THAT YOU WILL NEVER BE SO YOUNG AND LIVELY AGAIN

Gentlemen, do you remember when you were the hot shit back then? Do you remember the photographer from the local newspaper who asked you to hold your diploma in your hands and jump in the air for joy? He's only interested in the younger people now - the people who all have better grades than you, who all go to university that you weren't accepted at, who all study what you always wanted to do, and all of them before you will get a job.

Every time a new semester begins, the familiar headlines come up again: “Every student needs that! The ten most important kitchen utensils that you have to give your little ones with them on their way! "And then you remember all the IKEA trips, the ironing board you seriously bought back then, the student cookbook, the brochure on safekeeping Drug use and those blueberry-flavored condoms that were handed out in college, and then you'll shed bitter tears at your lost youth as you feel the rubbery taste of blueberries on your tongue.

Better get used to this overwhelming feeling of sadness caused by your youth, because it will be your loyal companion for a good six years. Some people even can't get rid of it for their entire life.

DURING A LONG TRAIN JOURNEY, YOU WILL MEET A PERSON IN A UNI-PULLOVER, WHOSE UNI-NICK NAME IS ADDITIONALLY PRINTED ON IT, AND YOU WILL BE DISGUSTED UNTIL YOU vomit

Hey Melanie, nobody calls you "bookworm"! I have no idea why you paid more money just to have it printed on your hoodie.

YOU WILL NOT PICK UP A BOOK FOR FIVE YEARS

Unless you pay ridiculous sums of money over three years for the privilege of being instructed to read a book.

“Hey mom, you can't forbid me to dye my hair copper red anymore. I'm a STUDENT now! ”Photo: Jake Lewis

YOUR FIRST BOSS WILL BE YOUNGER THAN YOU

It doesn't matter what your first job will be. You can work in a coffee shop, make Formula 1 auto parts on a 3D printer, type some data into a computer, or fly to the moon as an astronaut, but at some point on your first day you'll shake hands with someone who's on the Career ladder is already at least two steps further than you, but is still inexplicably only an estimated ten years old.

Wait a moment! You did everything right, didn't you? You received your diploma yesterday. You are 21 years old. You are as young as it is really possible for a normal employee. But then this steppe walks around and says like this: “Yep, I started working right after graduating from high school and I still live at home, which saves me the rent. That's why I can probably buy a house next year. "

Their age still ends at "-teen" and they have already made provisions for after work. But don't worry too much about people like that. They are freaks and their idea of ​​a wild weekend is to go right to Galeria Kaufhof to go shopping.

YOU DESPERATELY WANT TO GET RID OF YOUR EXPENSIVE TEXTBOOKS IN ORDER TO BUY SOMETHING TO FOOD

Apparently the poetry collection of English literature that you used as a doorstop is now only worth a few euros because there is now a new edition with an additional poem included.

University textbooks can be compared to a new car, which already loses value when you drive it from the dealership's premises. Imagine now how you then immediately afterwards hit the car at full speed against a tree, then both the vehicle and the tree start to burn, then the whole dealership catches fire and the salesman just says, "Oh God, the whole time. so much breaks down here, so much money just burns like that! "yells around. Please, this notion describes the market economy of used textbooks quite appropriately.

YOU WILL KNOW IMMEDIATELY THAT YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO MORE TIME TO DO ANYTHING REALLY CREATIVE

How is your zine doing? I mean what you talked about during your freshman year when some sly amateur editors said your stream of consciousness movie reviews were "not at all" suitable for the student paper. Did you ever call the guy whose club you hit Wanted to host a soca evening, or have you "lost" his number? Have you actually started photography properly at all or have you just annoyed your parents about the SLR camera as a Christmas present ("Just look at it as an investment for my career!"), Then took a few black and white macro shots of your hands and everything finally full for thousands of evenings FIFA and leave the grass on the left again?

Well, the glory days when you had enough time to fully devote yourself to creative activity are now almost over. Congratulations!

HANGOVER IN THE LECTURE >>> HANGOVER AT WORK

If you go to lecture with a hangover, that's not a problem: You just listen a little now and then, wear a comfortable jogging suit and snack on a few chips. Then you piss off home quickly, hit the couch and look at yourself Big Bang Theory-Repeats until you have fully recovered. You are just a real Sheldon!

However, showing up at work with a hangover is something completely different: an eight-hour drudge with round-trip travel and a kebab for lunch. You are expected to be working. It will no pity shown. The phone also rings really loud. It's hell on earth.

"Hey mum? No, it's full of shit here! Tell papa to pick me up. "Photo: Jake Lewis

YOU WILL BE AWARE OF HOW POSSIBLE YOUR DEGREE PROGRAM WAS

If you weren't just studying medicine (you're a doctor now and you shouldn't read this. Don't you have to save someone's life or something?), Then your degree was an ass, and really right. This is the first thing you become aware of after graduating from university.

Do you want to work in the creative industry? Then you can burn your diploma straight away to collect energy for the at least six-month internship that you have to do first anyway. Would you rather do something scientific? Then look forward to in-house training, you nerd. Are you a foreign language expert? Multilingual people seem to be only employed by banks and even then you are actually expected to have a degree in math and just happen to be good at French.

YOU WILL BE STUCK IN A JOB YOU HATE FOR A YEAR

It is set in stone that you are wasting a precious year of your life because you are stuck in a terrible and pointless job. You will then, for example, be the deputy store manager of a REWE branch, update the contact details of the old database of a charity or work on some reception and secretly start up Netflix. If you feel like me, then you will lose both your youth and your joie de vivre because of a three-ring filing system into which you have to organize files with two holes for two and a half years. You then spend the last days of your innocent youth learning how to use a fax machine.

This is the bitter reality of an entry-level job and the career to which you are condemned as a young and self-confident university graduate. Of course, there is always the risk of being drawn even deeper into the endless administrative vortex: every promotion, no matter how small, is like a shackle that chains you to lifelong filing - and you actually wanted to become an illustrator. A quick solution is also not in sight. The most you can do is apply for your dream job and not let yourself be eaten away by self-doubt and sadness.

You will wasting a year doing a shitty job. Just see it as a kind of service to those people who can tell you more than one Roman emperor.

EVERYTHING WILL FOLLOW AND YOU WILL TRUMP AT LEAST ONE COMMILITON

Surefire assertion: everyone at university had an archenemy (if you weren't, then you were someone else's archenemy). It could either be the girl crying all the time, the ambitious guy who wanted to make a name for himself as a student speaker, the Spanish neighbor who announced her orgasms with bloodcurdling screams, or any student who at some point wore a vest.

But at some point everything will turn out fine for you too. When that happens, there is really only one thing left for you to do: Open Facebook or Xing and see how crappy the life of your archenemy is compared to yours. Then you put your fists in the air and declare yourself the clear winner.

OH YES, YOU WILL END THE RELATIONSHIP YOU HAD DURING UNIVERSITY

"You have to get to know my friends," they'll say after you've paid a bunch of money for the train ticket and the trip to their hometown (in the middle of nowhere, of course) and couldn't even really sit down after arriving. "You have to paralyze mine Get to know friends from home! " These friends will then throw you a couple of forced smiles, actually looking elsewhere and after a few beers the mood will quickly turn aggressive. Then an inner voice will whisper the following words to you very softly: "This is how your life could look like."

Your parents then joke about your wedding and your father says to you: “I know where there are some really good office jobs around here. Then you could still buy a little house. What about children? "

And then that inner voice comes back: "You only found her attractive because she happened to be in your seminar." You will end the relationship you were in during college. If you haven't already, then Now pick up the phone and get to work.

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