I am completely worthless useless

Why we feel worthless and how we learn to love each other

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When I feel worthless, I forget who I am. No wonder, because we learn early on to meet the expectations of others and so easily lose contact with ourselves. What remains are doubts and the feeling that nobody sees us. Then we find all sorts of things about ourselves that we (and the others) don't seem to like. But there is a way out of this trap.

In the Herzbiskopf podcast I get to the bottom of this problem and present suggestions for everyone who feels worthless. Quickly out of this trap and into a life where we accept ourselves so much that the opinions of others may be tips or suggestions, but no longer a religion for us!

For those who prefer to read, I have transcribed the podcast:

Reader question:

“I have the feeling that I am not being seen and that I am not meeting other people's expectations. I also think that I have too little charisma and that I am not intelligent enough. I can't find any more answers. "

My answer:

As long as we think so about ourselves, we will only find highly depressing answers, if at all.

As long as we go through life and think that I have too little charisma, that I am not intelligent enough, that I do not have enough character, that something is wrong with me, I just always will the shown: Evidence that I'm a failure. That is what our minds are for. He shows us what we are looking for.


  • When I'm looking for strawberries, I run across the field, my eyes wander over the grass and I find strawberries.
  • When I buy a Golf 5, all of a sudden I see Golf 5 cars everywhere. Because I am conscious of this car right now.
  • And when I think I'm stupid, I constantly see situations in my everyday life where I think I'm too stupid. And if I think I am lacking intelligence, then I certainly do not have the self-confidence, then I certainly do not have the energy to perform brilliantly with my mind. Then I'm so nervous and insecure that I may not be able to come up with the correct answers in the test.

What I believe I bring into my life

If I think I have a lousy personality, then I walk crooked and hunched about the world. Then I don't dare to speak to people; then I become who I fear to be. If I think I am cold, then I am cold to myself. Then I don't like myself. And how am I supposed to be warm and kind to other people when, deep down inside, I hate myself for who I am. Then I'm frustrated after all, then I'm in a bad mood. Then I have to play a role, be an actor, to actually come across as friendly. That's not really kindness.

Do you just want to do justice to others, or do you want to be there for yourself?

Then of course we feel worthless when we think of ourselves like that. Then we have the feeling and the impression that we are not being seen. And the impression of not meeting the expectations of others. And that was the decisive sentence of this reader question, luckily it fell: "I have the impression (the fear!) That I am not meeting the expectations of the others "

Wanting to do justice to others is the core of the problem!

We learned as children that we should live up to the expectations of others. As children, we were dependent on living up to our parents' expectations. Otherwise we feared we would be rejected and that fear is probably deeply ingrained in us. In the past, that was certainly correct, and even today a child would do well not to strain the patience of their parents indefinitely. But in adult life, this strategy only burdens us.

If I go through life like this and want to live up to the expectations of others, then I automatically fail to live up to my own expectations. Then I'm just an empty personality who wants to please others.

How am I supposed to become such a warmhearted person? How am I supposed to radiate when I think and think about what to radiate all the time? Radiance that is something that I SHINE, that is something authentic! I radiate myself there.

If I hide and pretend all the time, how am I supposed to radiate anything? How am I supposed to feel valuable?, when i think i'm worth so little that i have to do justice to others? I have to start doing justice to myself first. Think:

What is actually in here for me in this life? What do I actually want from this gift, what do I want to do, how do I want to appear in this world?

When I think I have to do justice to others, then I can think long and hard about what kind of person I should be for others. Then I am definitely not myself, but then I am somebody, for somebody else - where I don't even know for sure whether this is really what they want from me!

What do I get from that? In the end I don't get any of it! If you have the feeling that you should do justice to others: ask yourself what you get out of it. And in the long term.

Sure, I can sneak myself into the job interview and meet the expectations of my interview partners so that they hire me. I can give the impression that I am meeting their expectations. But what kind of job do I have later? Then I am the wrong woman, the wrong man in my position and have to pretend throughout my employment.

Do you live or do you play a part?

This is how many of us live: We are in an eternally long job that lasts about 80 years for most. We are in there and think we have to do justice to many around us. Especially the people from whom we want and need something. For example our partner. And thereby let's hit ourselves right every timewhen we don't give a damn about what would actually be right for ourselves and when we think about “how does the other want us”.

And then I have the feeling that I am not being seen because I do not see myself, because I am not really there.

For many years of my life I have put a lot of energy into the goal of being successful. Above all, to be financially successful. And in the end, in a very uncomfortable way, I no longer knew who i am or who i want to be - I was completely uprooted. Because I've chalked up an idea of ​​what I should be for a quarter of my life. Didn't see myself anymore.

And how should others see me? And how am I supposed to have the feeling that others see me when I'm just a collection of trained behaviors, sayings and ways of thinking?

As you know, each of us is unique - not just in terms of appearance. And I can live this uniqueness and become satisfied with it when I start to get rid of the old nonsense in my head. When I start to see through this:

  • In this specific situation; do I really need her approval, from him?
  • What do I do with myself when I'm looking for recognition?
  • How do I deal with myself in everyday life, what do I think about myself? If something falls down: “Oh, me idiot!” “Ah, I fool, I've forgotten something again!” That's how I think about myself, very often. But I pay more and more attention to it!

It is absurd to hate yourself

Just by paying attention to it, this self-despising way of thinking and acting is slowly disappearing. Because it's absurd to hate yourself. And when I pay attention, I see it. It is absurd to be dissatisfied with yourself, to be chronically dissatisfied. Sure, I can learn a language, I can improve my skills - but to be personally dissatisfied with myself is absurd.

Because: who is dissatisfied with whom?

Who is this perfect, split-off person in me who rises above myself and says: You should be like this! Who is that supposed to be? This is also called the ego - and that is an illusion.

A collection of thoughts, of judgments that we soaked up in childhood; when our parents told us so and so you should be; when our parents told us Please don't be like that here, be quiet, be quiet, you have to concentrate! You are too fidgety!

I've heard that all the time at school. And I still carry that around in my head today and judge myself for who I am. And see how I should be for others. And every day I become more unhappy with it, if I don't stop it, if I don't stop living for others, but start to feel into myself, to listen: What is it that is good for me?

Do not think, how do i want to be but feel it: What is good for me, what do I need at this moment?  

That would be a start! To consciously take time every day and see what is going on inside of me? What is it calling for in my stomach, in my heart? What do I need? What would I like to have from life? Who am I?

Image: Pixabay

/ 1 comment / by Gidon Wagner